Polyamory in the News!
. . . by Alan M.

July 21, 2017

BBC World: "Polyamorous marriage: Is there a future for three-way weddings?"

The gay triad who registered as a family in Colombia last month continue to be very out, proud, and photogenic — prompting BBC World News to publish a long article today, with video, not just about them but other polyfamilies who have come out.

The BBC has treated poly well and reported on its significance before; for instance, Polyamorous Relationships May Be the Future of Love (June 23, 2016).

Polyamorous marriage: Is there a future for three-way weddings?

By Jasmine Taylor-Coleman

A so-called "throuple" in Colombia have been hailed as having the first legal union between three men in the world. So will we see three-way marriages in the future?

"Victor tells the bad jokes," says Manuel.

"Very bad," agrees his partner Alejandro.

"I tell the smart ones," says Manuel.

Manuel José Bermúdez Andrade, Víctor Hugo Prada and Alejandro Rodríguez are all in a relationship together. They used to be four but their boyfriend Alex Esnéider Zabala died in 2014.

"The decision to marry was there before Alex died, the four of us wanted to get married," says Víctor.

"Alex's cancer changed our plans. But I never gave up."

When Alex died, the remaining three, who live in the Colombian city of Medellín, say they had to fight to be seen as his partners and get access to his pension.

Alex Esnéider Zabala was in the relationship for eight years before he died in 2014.

It made them all the more determined to get legal recognition of their relationship.

They are now planning their long-awaited wedding ceremony after a supportive lawyer signed a special legal document last month. ...


The paperwork formalises their union, but it is not a full marriage certificate. Like in most countries — except those that accept polygamy — it is illegal to marry more than one person in Colombia.

But Alejandro, Manuel and Víctor's legal success is a big step forward in a world where group marriage has been firmly off the agenda.

Could cases like theirs signal the start of a concerted effort by campaigners to allow it?

"The movement is absolutely going to develop if the activists so choose," says Hadar Aviram, a professor of law at University of California in the US.
How does a polyamorous relationship between four people work?

Prof Aviram said she found little appetite for marriage among polyamorous groups when she first started her research in 2004 but she began to see a change around 2012.

A study by the US-based organisation Loving More the same year found that 65.9% of more than 4,000 polyamorous people said would want to marry multiple people if such marriages were legal.

...Prof Aviram believes changing attitudes may be due to wider acceptance of same-sex marriage around the world, making way for new taboos to be broken.


...Legal marriage may still seem a distant prospect but cases like that in Colombia are giving hope to others in three-way relationships.

"It's really encouraging," says DeAnna Rivas, a married mother of two from Florida.

The 28-year-old suggested to her husband, Manny, that they start experimenting with another woman in 2014. "I grew up having crushes on both men and women," she says. ... "When we met Melissa it just felt right."

DeAnna, an art teacher, now lives with both Manny and 20-year-old Melissa James; they share incomes, childcare and household duties, and a bed.

The family find it helpful to have three incomes but the best thing is the "amount of love in our home", Manny says.

Melissa, Danny, and DeAnna. Their kids Vaneza and Gabriel "love having two moms", according to DeAnna.

Manny, 30, says some people are upset by the relationship   a previous employer even threatened to sack him as a result   but others are intrigued. ... "When I say it was more my wife's idea than mine, then people get more understanding."

The trio admit they have all struggled with jealousy but they have learned to be more open with each other.

They are now planning a wedding ceremony for June 2020. ... Manny and DeAnna are giving Melissa guardianship of their two children, who already call her "Mamma MJ". Melissa is also planning to change her name to Rivas.

Without marriage rights, though, people even in the most committed polyamorous relationships do not have access to the same legal and tax benefits as married couples. ...

'There's nothing wrong with it'

The idea has provoked backlash, including in deeply Catholic Colombia where there are calls for the Medellin lawyer to be investigated.

...Many people in polyamorous relationships are also sceptical themselves; they may have no desire to go public or embrace traditional family models, says Prof Aviram. "People don't necessarily want to resemble the mainstream," she says. ...

The whole article, with video (July 21, 2017).


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July 19, 2017

"Dallas Symposium Puts Polyamory On Center Stage"

Dallas Observer

One of the newer poly hotel conferences, PolyDallas Millennium, was held last weekend with the theme “Power, Anarchy, and Equality in Polyamory.” Founder Ruby Johnson writes, "We are not simply an academic symposium. We are sexologists, sex educators, community leaders, and therapists... AASECT CEU providers, and Texas Regulatory providers for LPCs, SWs, LCDCs, LMFTs, and PhDs."

The alternative weekly Dallas Observer sent someone to cover it. The reporter did a shallow job in my opinion, talking more about polyamory than the interesting conference.

Dallas Symposium Puts Polyamory On Center Stage

Marla Stewart speaks to attendees about polyamorous relationships during PolyDallas Millennium. (Paige Skinner photo)

By Paige Skinner

During Marla Stewart’s presentation of “Being Black, Poly and Kinky: Navigating Power, Equity and Anarchy in Alternative Relationship Modalities,” she encouraged members of the audience to think about their polyamorous relationships. The lecture was just one part of the third annual, three-day PolyDallas Millennium this weekend at the Crowne Plaza Hotel off Interstate 35.

...Therapist Ruby Johnson founded the symposium three years ago when she realized there was no training for polyamory in Dallas. “My thoughts were and are ... maybe we can have some de-mythification". ...

Attendance at the conference is growing. The inaugural event hosted about 30 people during one day. The second year, it expanded to a day and a half, and this year, it took place over three days. About 80 to 100 people attended, Johnson says, and she suspects about 10 percent were not in a polyamorous relationship but simply curious about the lifestyle.

...Jessica Hoffman says she enjoys PolyDallas because there is no matchmaking overtone. “A lot of other events where you can get to know each other, it might be a little bit more like get to know each other with the end result of maybe finding someone, but here that’s, like, super back burner,” she says. “It’s more about education, being yourself and personal journey, but also building a community.”

...Muscarella, Hoffman and Muscarella’s boyfriend, Sean Sparks, say coming out as polyamorous in Dallas hasn’t been that difficult, although there are some misconceptions. “I think Dallas has a lot of conservative pockets,” Muscarella says. “If you’re trying to date outside of the poly community, it can turn into this whole thing of, 'You’re just slutty and you don’t want any kind of meaning in your relationship.'”

Johnson says there are many misconceptions about polyamory. One is that it’s “polyfuckery,” in which people just go out and have sex. Instead, she says, it’s about many loves and being open to loving people. Johnson also says it’s not just an excuse to cheat, and it’s not just about couples.

"There's all kinds of structures,” she says. “There’s people who are solo-poly, which is they are by themselves; there's individuals who are in quads, who are in polyamorous families.”

Often people think polyamory is simply an open relationship, but the difference between the two is identity, says Johnson, who identifies as polyamorous. “[Polyamory is] liberating not only in my intimate relationships, but it's liberating in my relationships with friends,” she says. “It's liberating in my relationship with my family. It's liberating in my relationship with my job because I'm not so territorial. I have freed myself.”

The whole article (July 17, 2017).


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July 18, 2017

New long trailer for the polypic "Professor Marston and the Wonder Women" raises buzz

The real-life polyfamily behind the creation of Wonder Woman in 1941 is getting a biopic that will open in theaters October 27th, as I wrote about last month. Professor Marston and the Wonder Women comes from the independent Annapurna Pictures but will be distributed by Sony, so it might show up in your local cineplex. Where your relatives may see it. A conversation starter?

Just out today is the first trailer that reveals the movie's approach:

The central drama, it seems, will be the efforts by the polyamorous triad of William Moulton Marston, Elizabeth Holloway, and Olive Byrne to hide their home life while seeking to change the world through the Wonder Woman comics.

● The trailer is setting off a fresh round of media notice. For example, just up on the site of the New York Daily News: Wonder Woman creator’s polyamorous relationship the focus of new biopic trailer (July 18):

Meet the man — and women — behind Wonder Woman.

...The new film stars Luke Evans (“Beauty and the Beast”) as Marston, Rebecca Hall (“The Prestige”) as Elizabeth, and Bella Heathcote (“Fifty Shades Darker”) as their lover, Byrne.

The film explores the polyamorous and radically sexual relationship Marston, Elizabeth and Byrne shared until his death in 1947. As the tagline says, the movie is the story of the women behind the man behind the woman. Both women had children by the writer and continued to live together until Byrne’s death in 1985.

"Dr. William Moulton Marston died in 1947, but before his death he accomplished a lot: a radical sexual relationship, creating an iconic comic book character, inventing the systolic blood pressure test, and inspiring the polygraph. (Meurer, Bill / NY Daily News)"

“I want to study her,” Marston says in the film, as his wife warns: “She’ll break your heart.”

As Marston becomes more interested in Byrne, Elizabeth does too. She tells her husband: “Maybe I just want her because you do.”

Eventually, the film shows, the three decide to go for it. When Elizabeth asks, “You think it’s possible to love two people at the same time?” Byrne replies: “Why not?”

The upcoming film also dives into the creation of one of the most iconic comic book characters of all time, which Marston first wrote about under a pseudonym in 1941, Charles Moulton.

Connie Britton also stars as a psychologist who looks at early issues of “Wonder Woman” and questions the frequent themes of bondage and Marston’s desire to hide behind an alias.

“Professor Marston & the Wonder Women,” directed by Angela Robinson, is due out Oct. 27, just four months after Wonder Woman’s first major blockbuster film appearance.

● At ScreenCrush:

Comic Books Meet Polyamory in ‘Professor Marston and the Wonder Women’ Trailer

By Charles Bramesco

Behind every great man, there’s a great woman; behind Wonder Woman, there was a wondrous man. Dr. William Moulton Marston was a professor of psychology when he first ginned up the idea for DC’s most famed distaff defender, working under a pseudonym to protect his reputation. But the man had more secrets than the average reader might realize. He and his wife Elizabeth entered into a passionate polyamorous relationship with one of William’s students, Olive Byrne, though the time’s standards of propriety forced them to live in secret. And then there was all the bondage stuff.

His whole story — the rise to prominence, the controversy over indecency charges, the intense private life — gets the big-screen treatment in Angela Robinson’s upcoming Professor Marston and the Wonder Women, due October 27. Today brings us the first trailer, and there’s discord in the golden-hued past. Luke Evans steps in to portray the eccentric Dr. Marston, with Rebecca Hall as his devoted wife and The Neon Demon star Bella Heathcote as their joint lover. It’s a novel corner of history to poke around in, freely commingling old-fashioned morality with some saucier shots of leather corsets being laced up and riding crops slapping against skin. The presence of Connie Britton as Person Whose Job It Is To Baldly State The Creative Subtext Of The Movie does not sit so well, however.

In summation, it looks like an atypical approach to a subject becoming tiresomely typical. If we’re going to have to sit through another troubled-genius biopic exposing the troubled personal life of a revered figure, normalizing polyamory along the way is really the least it could do.

● Screenwriter/director Angela Robinson tells Entertainment Weekly that her movie's release so soon after Wonder Woman (which has grossed $766 million worldwide to date) was a super-lucky fluke:

“It’s weirdly an accident of history that they’re coming in the same year,” Robinson tells EW. “I’ve been trying to get the film together, like all indies movies, for a while. It came together a couple times and fell apart a couple times. Then, it just started gathering steam, but the actual stars aligning in the way for this type of timing just kind of happened.”

A lifelong Wonder Woman fan, Robinson started working on the movie’s script almost eight years ago. She became interested in Marston and Olive’s relationship after reading about it in a coffee table book given to Robinson as a gift by Jordana Brewster, who starred in Robinson’s D.E.B.S..

“It was just this fascinating story behind them,” she says. “They invented a lie detector and he kind of lived in a polyamorous relationship with his wife and one of his students, Olive Byrne, and they all had kids together and lived together for many, many years.”

...The trailer, which opens and closes with Josette Frank (Connie Britton), one of Marston’s detractors, questioning him about the contents of the comic, frames their story as one of them against a world that might not understand them. “The world won’t let us,” says Elizabeth in the trailer, to which Marston replies, “The world can’t stop us.” Because of the need for secrecy, there’s this sense that the Wonder Woman comic became their means of exploring what they had to keep hidden.

“For me, not to get heady about it, the dialectic in the movie was between fantasy and reality, and that they really found freedom in their lives in this notion of fantasy, be it role play [or] the comics,” says Robinson.

Salon: See the trailer for the film that traces Wonder Woman’s polyamorous roots (July 18).

...The trailer... seems to offer a glossy, Hollywood take on queerness, kink, polyamory and, yes, comic books set in the conservative world of the 1940s (Connie Britton makes an appearance as the apparently disproving children’s-book expert Josette Frank). Dramatic music and edit cuts abound.

Many more.



July 10, 2017

TV news in Australia: Women were fired for being in a poly family, they say, and plan lawsuit.

TV 9 News (Australia)

In most places, most employers can usually fire you for no reason or any reason except for certain specific classes of reasons: race, sex, religion, etc., or perhaps mistreatment. "Relationship structure" is not a protected class. (The one exception I know is the Unitarian Universalist Church in the US, which voluntarily added this nondiscrimination class during a General Assembly of its members.)

The following report appeared today on TV 9 News in Australia. The women have gone public and are fighting back, claiming mistreatment at work.

Polyamorous love life behind double servo sacking, women claim

Andrea, Michael and Laura

By a Current Affair

Two women who live in a polyamorous trio with a male partner claim their unorthodox love life saw them fired by their employer.

Laura and Andrea both worked at the same independently-owned BP service station west of Melbourne.

Laura was already married to her husband Michael, but a relationship began to blossom between her and Andrea during their shared night shifts.

"We used to hang out a lot, go to the movies, stay home and watch TV, and we became really good friends and things just progressed," Laura said.

Michael also became an active part of the relationship.

"I'm loved by two ladies, how good is that," he said.

"And it's just a normal family, seriously."

However, Laura and Andrea allege that after they were caught talking on the service station's CCTV one night, they were split up and banned from working together or even speaking to one another.

Andrea claimed she was told during a shift to not talk about her sexuality because it was making a co-worker uncomfortable.

A spokesperson for the service station denied the accusations. They said nobody had been sacked and they were not even aware of the women’s sexuality until very recently.

Laura, Andrea and Michael are now pursuing legal action.

The service station released a statement to A Current Affair rejecting "outright" that they made any employment decisions "on the basis of race, gender, religion or sexual preference".

"We are an inclusive employer and take very seriously our responsibility to provide a safe workplace for our staff."

BP Australia also released a statement saying they took the claims seriously and were looking into the matter.

"BP actively supports diversity and inclusion in the workplace," a spokesperson said.

The service station in question is independently owned and operated, meaning the owners are not franchisees and are responsible for their own operations including the hiring and managing of staff.

The original (July 10, 2017).

That's just a part of the long, sympathetic story that appeared on TV. The link includes the video report, nearly six minutes long. It's viewable worldwide (though not embeddable here).

I say that this family has a already won polyfolks a victory, regardless of how their case turns out. After seeing this kind of coverage on television, any Australian employer will think twice about the possible repercussions if they treat polyfolks like that.

Say it out loud, we're poly and proud.

Update next day: Now it's in the Murdoch chain of Australian newspapers: Women accuse employer of discrimination after over their polyamorous relationship (July 11).


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July 5, 2017

Bi and Poly Nico Tortorella: "This Is What a Queer Family Looks Like"

Luke Fontana / The Advocate
The current issue of The Advocate, arguably the leading gay publication for the last 50 years, is themed "The Many Ways LGBT People are Creating Families Today." The cover story features Nico Tortorella — the bi and poly star of Younger — his partner Bethany Meyers, and their fluidity. For 3,000 words. It went online this morning. Excerpts:

This Is What a Queer Family Looks Like

Nico Tortorella and Bethany Meyers are reinventing what it means to be family.

By David Artavia

From the outside looking in, Nico Tortorella doesn’t seem all that different from the straight cisgender character he plays on the sweetly addictive hit comedy Younger, which had its fourth-season premiere in June. ... And as the show has grown, so too has Tortorella’s public openness.

...Tortorella is also the guy behind the super popular podcast The Love Bomb, now in season 2, where each week he interviews one of the many, many people he loves. He’s committed to shaking up norms around gender and sexuality. His decade-long polyamorous romantic partnership with Bethany Meyers, a fitness and lifestyle entrepreneur (who identifies as gay) is proof. It’s a different kind of queer relationship, they admit, one that is thoroughly open and modern and enduring.

...Tortorella — who has been described as queer, bisexual, demisexual, and sexually fluid — and Meyers — who usually dates women, calls herself “gay,” and admits Tortorella is the only man she’s ever had intercourse with — are open with each other and the public about their romantic relationships with other people. ...

...Tortorella and Meyers have been in love for over a decade, and their relationship seemingly has but one rule: to love each other. Boundaries are more or less nonexistent when it comes to having additional relationships outside their own. It’s an idea founded on trust, and a notion that has yet to be fully understood across the cultural mind-set. Even they don’t have a word to describe it, except for possibly being “witnesses” to each other.

...The first episode [of The Love Bomb] sparked a much-needed dialogue on what it means to be part of a polyamorous arrangement as well as the fluidity of love and sex.

...Polyamorous relationships have been around for centuries, yet it’s only now that people are becoming less afraid to speak openly about them. Tortorella and Meyers's relationship is 11 years in the making and survives on what they refer to as a “day by day” pace, knowing that no matter what happens they’re always going to be in each other’s life. As Tortorella explains, this type of trust needs to be sealed before exploring such nonconventional avenues. It doesn’t happen at the beginning: “It’s not like you can jump on Tinder and look for a Nico or Bethany,” he says.

Meyers also admits that due to a lack of examples of similar relationships, she had to teach herself how to navigate the rules....

...They told me they never get jealous when the other is dating someone of the same sex, like Tortorella’s highly public relationship with Los Angeles-based hairstylist and Instagram star Kyle Krieger. It’s only when they’re dating someone of the opposite sex that jealousy intervenes, mainly because there’s a chance of having a child, and they both desperately want to have a baby together.

Luke Fontana / The Advocate
...“We’re still figuring out the best way we can bring other people into our relationship,” [Tortorella] agrees. “I think we’re in the best place now [that] we’ve ever been, but we’re definitely still on an amateur level.” Then he urges, “If anybody is reading this and wants to give us some advice, and has been living this way for a long time, seriously, we’re sponges! [Hey folks, that's a hint! --Ed.] We’re so down to hear stories because these stories aren’t told often.” [Where have you been?]

The truth is Tortorella and Meyers know their relationship is a threat to others. “[Past partners] didn’t fully realize and understand who we are and what we mean to each other,” Tortorella admits. “Like, ‘OK, you have Bethany, [but] where do I fit into the puzzle?’ ‘Am I ever going to be as important as Bethany is?’ And what’s the answer to that? How do I best answer that question?”

“So many people have this idea that if you can love this, you cannot love this,” she adds. “And I don’t understand, because I do. I can have feelings for two people. There are different kinds of feelings, they fulfill different needs. I don’t find it very realistic to think that I’m going to get everything I need out of Nico.”

...Their sexual needs exist along the same lines. Tortorella says he’d rather wait to have sex until the love blossoms in a relationship, while Meyers has no qualms about her love of casual sex. The best part is, despite their contrasting approaches, their goals are ultimately the same: to reach empowerment, fulfillment, and satisfaction. So what if they happen to take different avenues to get there?

“For me, sex is such an explosive exchange of energy between two people that if you’re not connected, energetically, before you have sex, it can be damaging,” Tortorella says about the rising hookup culture on apps like Grindr and Tinder. “If you open yourself up to somebody on that level it can be damaging to yourself and damaging for the other person if there isn’t trust there. … That being said, I totally understand people who want to have casual sex. I think what you have to do in this scenario is stay in your lane. Find people who want similar things — physically, energetically, and emotionally. ...”

Meyers, who was raised in an ultra-conservative Christian family, has a different opinion: “I think sex can be really fun and really empowering. I think for someone who’s raised in a culture where sex is so bad and you can’t orgasm… I find a lot of empowerment. And I do think there’s a lot of responsibility to be up front and honest. I’m proud that as I’ve aged, I have been [honest]. I think women haven’t gotten to feel super empowered with sex for a very long time.”

...They’re both still learning how to navigate this brave new world, they admit. But as a Hollywood leading man, one of the most valuable lessons Tortorella has learned was about his responsibility now that he has this place in history. ...

“...There would be so much more love if we just saw each other. As much as I love getting worked up in these conversations, imagine how much energy we’d save if we weren’t having them, if it didn’t exist, if we were all just people and we could love [who] we wanted and it wasn’t an issue. Granted, is that some utopian idea? Yeah, sure, but what if? What if we allowed ourselves to just be ‘me?’”

Read the whole article (July 5, 2017).

Tortorella is indeed a star; his life and ideas have been getting lots of attention all over.

For instance, to pick one story that went around more than most, a couple weeks ago the tabloid New York Post ran this: ‘Younger’ star Nico Tortorella talks polyamory, hallucinogens and Hollywood. With video (June 22).


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July 3, 2017

Building poly awareness, country by country. Poly-in-the-media lists outside the US?

When the histories of the modern polyamory movement are written — tracing how, in just a few decades, the concept went from literally unthinkable to a relationship option eventually known to all — one of the characters in the tale will be Green Fizzpops (not her real name) in South Africa.

She was, as far as I know, the key person who made it her mission to build the movement in her country. She started South African Poly, and its ZApoly discussion list, well over a decade ago, collected a coterie of members and fellow activists, and persisted for long years when the returns were few. Now poly in South Africa seems to be gaining force.

One thing that she's done is maintain a list of poly coverage in South African media. The list is reprinted below with permission.

I'd love to find such lists for other countries, or regions, or languages, to link to here and maybe repost. This website is being archived at the Kinsey Institute Library. So a reprint of your material here will help preserve it for researchers forever.

If your country or language does not already have such a list, maybe this is the universe telling you to create it. And if your country or language has nothing yet to list... well, you have a mission.




South African media articles related to polyamory







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June 30, 2017

"12 People Explain How Their Polyamorous Relationships Started"


With lots of mediocre poly-in-the-media showing up these days as clickbait sites discover the topic's potential, this collection of genuine stories from real people deserves your time and linking. Bustle ("for & by women who are moving forward as fast as you are") gathered them from an old AskReddit thread.

12 People Explain How Their Polyamorous Relationships Started

Ashley Batz / Bustle

By Lea Rose Emery

A lot of people are curious as to how polyamorous relationships work — how do they get started? What are the practical considerations? And, the question that always comes up, how do you deal with jealousy?

...You can see why people are curious about poly relationships if they've never been in one. Luckily, Reddit users in polyamorous relationships came forward to share their experiences in an AskReddit thread. And it was a really interesting range. Because while some people made a very conscious decision to be in a polyamorous relationships, for others it was something that they fell into and worked as they went along.

It's important to not put all poly relationships in the same category. Poly relationships vary — just like all relationships do. But it can be interesting and helpful to get some insight into how people transition into polyamory.

The stories themselves are presented as screenshots from the thread. Here are the titles:

1. Seven Years Ago. Sometimes it's just really natural.

2. Complicated, But Worth It. Different things work for different people.

3. Six Years Strong. It's amazing how easy the chemistry can be just from the get go — and that sounds like an incredible king sized bed.

4. The Unexpected Relationship. Sometimes you just don't see it coming.

5. He Did It for the Girl
... And sometimes that works.

6. Which Relationship? Often it starts as one thing and evolves into another.

7. That Realization.
Seeing someone else do it can help it all click into place.

8. A Total Family. I love that even in a happy family the 'terrible sleep partners' thing is still an issue. Sleep is important, people.

9. That Connection from the Beginning.
BFFs turned into something more... it sounds like something out of a rom-com.

10. Dealing With Jealousy Through Communication.
Communication solves everything.

11. Practical Considerations. Sometimes timing really matters.

12. Separate Houses With Sleepovers.
Having your own houses and sleepovers? That sounds like the dream.


Polyamory can come across in so many different ways. Sometimes you know that's what you want, sometimes you stumble upon it, and sometimes you evolve into it. In any case, it makes a lot of happy relationships.

Read the collection (June 30, 2017).

Bustle has been publishing many poly articles, nearly all of them good.


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June 23, 2017

Yahoo Style: "When Your Husband Comforts You After Your Breakup With a Boyfriend"

Here's an example of how easy it is to represent your poly life accurately in the media, if you do it in a way where your thoughts will come through clean and clear.

A woman in an open couple got connected with a writer for PopSugar and did what was clearly an email interview. This way you can craft your own text carefully at your own speed — and both you and the outlet know you have a written record, so there'd better be no question about misquoting you. You can ask for anonymity if you want, and you can send a sweet photo of your own choosing, like the one below. It's hard for an email interview to go wrong.

The reporter has two incentives to do it this way. They too have a written record in case of a dispute — and you do most of the writing work while they get the pay and credit!

How to get started? Find a likely outlet (small is fine), look on the staff list for a writer who has treated similar topics well, and send them a letter telling why you'd be an interesting subject for them.

In this case the heavyweight Yahoo Style immediately picked up the interview from its original site. There's a demand for our voices.

When Your Husband Comforts You After Your Breakup With a Boyfriend — 1 Woman Shares Her Polyamorous Story

By Tara Block

Ben and Sara

Sara and Ben (names have been changed) are a happily married, millennial couple in an open relationship. We reached out to Sara to share some insight into their journey to polyamory, the ground rules they've set, and what it's like to date other people — and maybe even fall in love with other people — when you're already married to someone you love.

...When did you decide to have an open relationship?

We started talking about being monogamish (which later evolved into full-blown polyamory, haha) about two years into our relationship. Seven years ago.

Who initiated it? How did the conversation go?

Ben is an open-minded person who has never been a big believer in social constructions or tradition. I am a bit more of a rule follower, but definitely liberal and nonjudgmental. He brought up the idea of him being comfortable with me casually dating other people early on in our relationship. He knew that he was my first boyfriend (I was 18), and he didn't want me to feel like I was missing out on dating. We talked about nonmonogamy in theory for a long time (two years?) before ever acting on it. In hindsight, I feel like this gave me time to get used to the idea and for us to build a solid foundation. One of my biggest takeaways from our relationship (and from hearing about other couple's open relationships) is that a successful nonmongamous relationship centers on honest communication and a strong connection between the couple.

...I was surprised by how nonjealous I felt. We took it really slow (lots and lots of conversation) and occasionally dated outside of our relationship. As time went on, the "casual" piece has become less and less important. I dated someone for over a year, and the consistency (and depth) was really nice. Ben was fully supportive — in fact, he prefers when I date someone longer term, because he trusts that I'm safe.... He has been seeing two women for about eight months, and again I am surprised by how normal it feels. ...

We shared a big laugh when we realized just how weird/unusual it is for a husband to comfort his wife about her breakup with a boyfriend.

Do you have ground rules? If so, what are they?

The biggest rule is communication — we try hard to balance respect for our other partners' privacy with open communication between the two of us. We are also always honest with the people we are dating. Everyone knows right off the bat that we are happily married, and thus not looking for a lifelong commitment. We also feel strongly about treating the people we date with respect and care (and expect to be treated the same). It makes me really happy (but also disappointed) that several of the women Ben has dated have said that he is the kindest, most respectful man they've been with. ...

Another big (and hopefully obvious) rule is condoms. ...

...Do your friends or family know?

My sister (who is also my best friend) and her husband know, which is extremely helpful. Finally telling them was a massive relief. I felt like I was living a double life for a while there, which I hated. We've also told a few close friends, all of whom have been awesome and supportive. The idea of telling our parents makes us both want to poop our pants. ...

This past year, we've been trying to tell new friends early on, because it is much less awkward. This has been a great strategy! We tend to attract open-minded people into our lives....

How has this arrangement helped your relationship?

I am 100 percent convinced that being in an open relationship has made our relationship better. We've honestly become closer through sharing our dating experiences with one another. We've always had an awesome sex life, and it's fun to be able to have sexual experiences outside of the relationship (it takes a lot of pressure for us to be all things for the other person). ...

The whole interview (June 21, 2017). PopSugar gave the original a title that was less expertly click-crafted: What Is It Like to Be in an Open Marriage? 1 Woman Shares Her Story.


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